The Ugly Duck – A Swan Might Love the Tail (If They’re Full of Quackers)

Bentley Money, For Ugly and the Senseless: The Cadillac Celestiq Conundrum

In a world where opulence typically arrives dressed in tailored metal and timeless proportions, Cadillac decided to show up wearing a glittery bathrobe and Crocs. Enter the Celestiq, GM’s hand-built, $360,000 all-electric flagship. This is Cadillac’s moonshot at luxury—a bespoke EV designed to challenge Bentley and Rolls-Royce on their own turf… assuming, of course, you squint past the styling.

The Celestiq: Innovation Meets Interrogation

To be clear, the Celestiq is impressive on paper. It’s tech-heavy, future-forward, and unapologetically bespoke. It features a 55-inch, dash-spanning LED screen, hand-crafted everything, smart glass roof panels, and more sensors than a NASA rover. Underneath, the Ultium platform serves up 600-ish horsepower in a whisper-quiet glide. You even get to work with a design concierge to personalize your car, right down to your preferred shade of confusion.

But here’s the kicker: it looks like a concept car that escaped the design studio before anyone checked if it was presentable. The front is futuristic and even handsome at the right angle. But as the car turns… things go south.

The rear end is where the Celestiq’s visual equity goes bankrupt. Long, vertical, and angular in a way that screams “expensive printer,” it looks like Cadillac borrowed the back end from a cyberpunk UPS truck. The taillights? Imagine the ambient lighting from a Spirit Airlines bathroom mounted on a rolling Art Basel exhibit. Best theory is the designer still drives an Aztek and likes it parked next to a Porsche 928 and thought that’s it!—while the rest of us don’t remember the 928 and would rather forget the Aztek ever happened.

Dots, Holes, and Weighty Goals

Design quirks aside, the Celestiq loves its textures. Perforations are everywhere—on the dash, on the doors, wrapping around the tech like someone put chainmail on a smartwatch. These aren’t subtle touches. They’re design shouts in a room where whispers would’ve sufficed.

Then there’s the Ultium battery. At over 6,000 pounds, the Celestiq isn’t so much a grand tourer as it is a boutique freight train. Yes, it offers serenity and a cushy ride, but don’t expect athleticism. It has the grace of a diplomat, but also the turning radius of a municipal bus. Cadillac gave it range and road presence, but agility took one look at the spec sheet and said, “Nope.”

Name Drop Luxury or Tasteful Wealth?

Make no mistake: the Cadillac Celestiq is for the buyer who wants to tell a story. It’s crafted in Michigan, limited in number, and sculpted with a narrative that screams “visionary.” But sometimes, vision just means nobody dared say “no.”

It’s not just about owning something rare. It’s about owning something people have to pretend to like while mentally whispering, “Bless your heart.”

Bentley & Rolls-Royce: Boldness Without Bad Angles

Contrast this with Bentley. Whether it’s the Continental GT, Flying Spur, or Bentayga, you’re getting substance, beauty, and speed in a package that looks good even when it’s dirty. A Bentley doesn’t need to beg for approval—it earns it with elegant proportions, rich materials, and engines that purr like royalty in loafers.

A Bentley says, “I’ve arrived.” The Celestiq says, “I commissioned this.”

Now add Rolls-Royce to the equation. A symbol of unapologetic elegance and effortless dominance, Rolls models like the Ghost and Phantom come wrapped in poise and presence with not a bad angle in sight. Even when dipped in crushed carbon fiber and excess courtesy of Mansory, they still wear their outrageousness with conviction. If you’re shopping for bold and bespoke luxury, and you do appreciate extreme design cues, that’s where Mansory comes in—with price tags that make the Celestiq’s $360K look like an appetizer.

In that context, the Celestiq starts to feel like the awkward dinner guest who tried a little too hard to be “different.”

Final Thoughts: When Price Doesn’t Equal Pretty

The Celestiq is bold, tech-forward, and hand-built luxury through and through. But for Bentley and Rolls-Royce money, you don’t want the world to ask, “What is that?” You want them to say, “That’s nice.”

Cadillac has proven it can innovate, no doubt. But somewhere between ambition and execution, it veered into sculpture territory—beautiful to some, baffling to others.

Because sometimes, $360K buys you something truly breathtaking.

Other times, it buys you a talking duck in designer shoes trying to pass for a swan—with a rear end only a crushed-carbon enthusiast could love.

Lord save the Blackwing and the few Cadillacs that still make us yearn for one before its Jaguar 2.0 or is that 00, 01 #jaguarconcept

What do you think? Modern and cool? or aweful?

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